I was 19 years of age. I had finished a year of training as a Licensed Practical Nurse and was six months into a night-shift job at a county nursing home. Can't say it was the best of jobs, but it wasn't a bad first job as an LPN. Night shift called for hourly checks that included bed pans, administering medication, turning patients to avoid bed sores, addressing nightly needs, and the early morning ritual of getting patients set up for breakfast.
Though I had graduated from LPN training, there were still State Board exams to take - a necessary requirement to receive license to practice as a nurse. Obviously the goal was to pass the first time, but if not, there was a second and third chance. Three strikes and you're out, which meant the year of training was for naught.
If you know my story, you have heard me share or read about my grade school experiences where my teachers gave me the labels of inadequate and incapable. You can imagine that day as I drove up to Harrisburg, PA for my exam; I was nervous. Would I pass? I remember the day I received the exam results in the mail. I opened the envelope with fear and trepidation. "Did Not Pass" were the words that brought immediate tears to my eyes. The labels mocked me again. Needless to say, I was humiliated (as I so often felt in the classroom). Informing the RN who managed our floor of my results was intimidating. I'm sure she was kind and gracious when she told me that I could no longer administer medication until they had knowledge that I had passed in the future.
It was a difficult time in my life. I went into isolation, not wanting to tell my friends the outcome. I was embarrassed. I didn't want to be around people. I felt like everyone was looking at me according to the labels placed on me. It was like "dumb" and "stupid" were written across my forehead.
But, it was also during this time that I found that people loved me. Period. My relationship with my friends didn't change because I hadn't passed an exam. If anything, they surrounded me with love, encouragement, and support. They built me up and encouraged me to go at it again. They believed in me.
In my despair I approached our pastor in my home church at that time. Rev. Strickler listened to me as I relayed words of worry, defeat, and fear. I have never forgotten what he told me that evening as we sat across from each other in a church pew. He told me that worry was not what God intended for me. That to worry is to not trust God. Worry produces panic and fear and anxiety, the opposite of God's peace. He encouraged me to memorize Philippians 4:6-7, which I did in the weeks ahead, and have never forgotten the words.
Don't worry about anything. Instead, prayer about everything. Tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your heart quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.
Believe me, there have been many times in my life since then when these verses run though my head to overcome worry and anxiety.
The other suggestion my pastor shared was to pray this prayer every morning: Jesus, fill me with Your Spirit for this day. When Jesus fills me, lives in me, worry has to dissipate. The two can't dwell together. Worry evaporates in his peace. Fear vanishes in his presence. Panic is swallowed up by his belief in me.
Weeks later I took the exam for a second time. I anxiously awaited the day the results would come in the mail. When the envelope was in the mailbox, I went straight to my room to open it. My heart was pounding with an anxious curiosity. I saw the words PASSED! and cried, this time, for joy. I immediately called my best friend at the time.
I can't believe it! I passed! She celebrated with me over the phone. I knew you could do it!
Though it was a difficult time in my life, I will not forget the importance of community and the need we all have for encouragement and affirmation. I will never forget the words of my pastor who encouraged me to lean into the Lord for his peace, quietness, and strength. And, even today, it's been a good reminder to ask Jesus to fill me with his Spirit every day.
