Tears...

This morning I picked up my Bible hoping to find some words that would bring comfort. Flipping through Psalms to the place where I had last read, my eyes were drawn to a page where I had circled a verse that apparently had meaning to me at another time in life. Psalm 56:8 was meant for me this morning:

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  

I am so thankful that Jesus saves our tears and knows our grief. As we weather this storm I can only keep my eyes fixed on Him until the waves of grief and loss subside. But, the coming and going of the tide will always be a reminder of our sweet little Margot.

I wanted so badly to hold her, cuddling her in my arms and looking into her face, studying her every feature and marveling once again at new life. It's what all grandparents look forward to in those first moments.

There will be a day. I look forward to that day when I will see her for the first time.

No more tears. Ever again.

Our Loss...

My blog stats show that many of you have been checking my blog over the past several days... I'm sure looking for further details on our recent loss.  So, I will try to put some thoughts to words in our time of grief.

I had already been anticipating the post where I would be posting pictures of our new little grand-daughter with all the details of her birth. She was due on April 10. My plane ticket was booked for April 9, when I would arrive in CA to help out with the new baby or await her soon arrival.

Everything changed on March 24.

Kari, our daughter-in-law, was outside with Stella (our 2-year old grand daughter), when she tripped while carrying Stella in her arms. In an attempt to break the fall for Stella she landed on her pregnant belly. Josh rushed her to the hospital and within a half hour of the incident the doctor was performing an emergency c-section.

Less than a minute phone call in the middle of the night (Europe time) from Josh informed us of this news. We never went back to sleep awaiting the next call assuming that we would hear about the birth of a new grand daughter, in spite of the fall. We never expected to hear the words on the other end an hour later... "we lost Margot."

Margot June Jackson was stillborn at 5:46 p.m.
Weight: 7 lbs. 12 oz.
Length: 21 inches

Pictures that Josh took of Margot while he and Kari spent time with her in those first hours show a beautiful baby girl with dark hair and a button nose. So perfect. So fully formed. We only wish that we could have held her. Our hearts ache with such deep loss for Margot, and for Josh and Kari as they walk through this time of heartache.

Kari's health was critical the days following with the amount of blood loss she suffered. All is stable now except for her kidneys. We are hoping and praying that the kidneys will begin to function as they should.

The love, support, and prayers from people all over the world have been such a source of encouragement and strength for all of us.

A Perspective on Thinking

An excerpt from a John Piper article posted on the recent Catalyst site caught my attention. It was the first word of the paragraph that kept me reading further until I eventually clicked on "more" to read the full article.

I'm a thinker. Sometimes I wonder: Do I think too much? What should I do with all my thinking? When does it cross the line of an unhealthy introspection? Does my thinking stifle my doing or does it generate momentum in my life?

I found Piper's article - Seek it Like Silver - worth the read as he sorted through his own tension with thinking and feeling and doing. It gave me something to think about :). A new perspective for those of us who think a lot.

Perhaps the following paragraph will whet your appetite for more.

Thinking is indispensable on the path to passion for God. Thinking is not an end in itself. Nothing but God himself is finally an end in itself. Thinking is not the goal of life. Thinking, like non-thinking, can be the ground for boasting. Thinking, without prayer, without the Holy Spirit, without obedience, without love, will puff up and destroy. (1 Cor. 8:1) But thinking under the mighty hand of God, thinking soaked in prayer, thinking carried by the Holy Spirit, thinking tethered to the Bible, thinking in pursuit of more reasons to praise and proclaim the glories of God, thinking in the service of love–such thinking is indispensable in a life of fullest praise to God.

Cleaning Windows

Today I cleaned the windows in the front of our flat. The sun was shining in gloriously, which made the buildup of grime from winter even more obvious.

With 11 foot ceilings, I definitely needed to get out the step ladder. I usually have two rags in hand. A "dirty" rag that catches the layer of dust and dirt on the first wipe. As I made my way down the glass pane, the blackened rag made me wonder how we look out these windows every day and don't notice the grime. The second rag, my "clean" one, finishes off the task with several wipes, until the windows shimmer in the sunlight.

When I was completely done with the windows, inside and out, I stood back to make sure I had hit all the spots. I couldn't believe the difference.

All winter we've been pulling up the outside wooden shades, letting the daylight flood our study room. We had grown accustomed to the dust and the winter "dirt" that comes with the elements. It wasn't until I cleaned them that I realized how bad they were. The whole room seemed to come alive with the new, clean look of just-washed windows.

I thought of how our souls need a good spring cleaning from time to time. God's light reveals the soiled places of our hearts, yet he stretches out his heart of love, wiping the soil and grime away with his forgiveness and mercy. His warmth begins to thaw out the weariness of a winter season when the heart, perhaps, has grown dull and listless.  His generous grace is applied with joy and delight, renewing the spirit. The soul is reborn once again.

In this season of Lent I am ever mindful of my need for spring cleaning, and grateful for a heavenly Father who cleans with two rags.