I've been preparing my heart for tomorrow when Josh and Kari and Stella, family that is near, and close friends gather at a site amid the Angeles National Forest for a simple, yet meaningful memorial service for Margot.
Though a different setting, certainly a different calendar season, and definitely a different stage in life, I find our loss with Margot drudging up emotions that are always close to the surface whenever an infant dies.
Forty-nine years ago I stood by a baby brother's graveside on a blistery January day. With my small hand in Dad's, the pastor read from the Bible and my two sets of grandparents encircled a little plot of ground on a hillside cemetery near my childhood home in eastern Pennsylvania.
Grasping my parents loss was beyond my six-year-old comprehension. I knew that I had lost a brother. One of two born just days before with no indication of imminent death. This little one, Randy Eugene, lived one day. I never saw him, but that day still stands as a marker in my life. I was old enough to understand sadness - I saw it in my parent's faces - but too young to fathom their depth of grief, the ache inside, of a baby lost to death. My mom still in the hospital with my other newborn brother wasn't able to attend the graveside service. Something I still lament for her today.
Little did I know on that January day in 1962 that a day would come when I would be the grandparent in similar circumstances.
Sunday's memorial service will trigger these childhood emotions as I watch little Stella take in a scene that she can't fully sort out. My heart will ache with, and for, Josh and Kari. I will understand for myself the emotions of a grandparent. Emotions that cradle the generations. The sorrow of a grand-baby never held, layered with the anguish of watching our own kids experience such deep heartache.
Little ones. To Him belong.
11 comments:
This is so beautifully expressed, Gwen. Thank you for sharing. We will be thinking of you all tomorrow and praying for the memorial service.
We just gathered and prayed as a family for you, Dennis (so far away)and your dear ones there this morning. Thanks for writing "this" out and sharing about your baby brother. Sending much love and prayer today. Love you!
Kerensa & fam
Thanks for sharing...We ache with you this morning...Have prayed & will be praying for you all as you have this memorial service. Love, Linda & Randy
Gwen,
In my heart I am with you today, wanting so much to ease your pain.
With my arm around your shoulder,
Mary Kamradt
Gwen thanks for sharing your thoughts of Jan. l962. It is something we really never talked alot about yet deep down we can still feel the pain we shared on that day. Time does erase the pain but it is something you will always remember. Our prayers are with you and all those there in Pasadena. Wish we could have been there for the memorial service.
We too wish we could have been with all of you. Believe me, we were there in heart. We hurt for Josh & Kari, and, you, Dennis, and families, and Kari's family. We love you all and wish things could be different. Always with us.
Thanks for the comments. We have felt the prayers of many and the love over the miles.
Mom, your comment made me realize that I had put the wrong year (I was thinking of my December birthday just before the twins came). I made the correction now. I know you can relate with Josh and Kari at a level that even I can't. Love both you and Dad!
And, Mom J... thanks for your prayers and we know your heart was here with us, too. Love you!
I'm with you my dear friend....with you in prayer, in grief and in tears. So grateful you are there with your kids. Praying God will give you sweet and tender moments feeling His hugs and His tender love. Love and hugs....
Oh Gwen, this is beautifully written. Though it is something one would never want to write, you captured it so well.
Continuing to pray for you all.
Bless - Jen
Hi Gwen! Your family has been on my mind so much. The pain is certainly ongoing and I hope you know so many of us are continuing to hold all of you up in prayer, asking for God's comfort and peace to sustain in in this darkest of hours.
The other day I was listening to a song my daughter had uploaded on my IPod and thought of Josh and Kari. It is a song that has been around for awhile,, but the words are specifically for those who have lost a child. It's called "Held" by Natalie Grant. I listened to it and cried , thinking about your loss. You are being HELD by our Father. He loves you so much Gwen. May you rest in His promises. With a heart of love for you! Becky Rycenga
Gwen and Dennis,
We have been praying for you and thinking about you a lot since we heard about your granddaughter. We know all the feelings you are going through and wish there were words to ease your pain. We were so thankful to Dennis for being there with us when we went through this. Please know that we will continue to keep your family in our prayers. Jeff and Chris Lloyd
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